I Hate You,God

You know what God, you’re the best at keeping silent. Though i love for most people to stop talking, I desperately seek your voice. Great, you never talked to me.

I hate you God.

To be continued.

Side note;

this post will not be completed in a day, this post shall be stretched across a few days. Well coz i’m lazy to post all in one shot, and perhaps i dont want to leave out a single detail. You know, when you wanna describe how much you hate someone, you pin point every detail. Alike for loving someone.

Perhaps to fully describe the initiate time of camp, My new believer spirit explains best. Check this out, 1 year and a half back then. Exact same thing. Just read the first few paras. http://alvern.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/asdf/

This time, i felt that God wasn’t honoring the time i spent in camp. Not the money. I had this strong sense of hatred agaisnt God. Wasting away my life in camp. No, This isn’t some kind of planned testimony on how much i will change in the end. I really REALLY hated God.

Perhaps i this would make me sound even more ridiculous. God spoke to me. When idk what song was playing. I just kept asking God fervently on at least talking to me. He asked me to bow down, and i did. It was a pain i never felt before. The muscles on my feet pulled against one another. My thighs stretched. If you know, this isnt what you’re supposed to be feeling. The pain, just on my lower half of my body was already too much to handle. And God said, this is how i feel. In my mind “oh wow, thanks God for telling me. yea, now what”. So then guess i know that God really loves me and all, but i knew that when i converted. So, hm..is that all you got for me? I wanted something LIFE CHANGING.

Thanks alot God, I Hate You.

To be continued=)

The first thing I did when i received my camp booklet was to obviously flip in. Y’know being curious and such. Perhaps the oasis camp booklet i wasn’t that enthusiastic about it, wait, i actually lost it..hahahahaha…but its just a book, but somehow, i flipped the book and wow.

If you guys would actually bother to flip with me on the book while reading this post, flip to the camp objective page. Nah, i’m not asking you to look at your camp objective, but the picture itself. A chill went down my spine. Perhaps this would be the most influential page of the entire camp booklet. Tear the teachings apart, i dont care, just keep my camp objective page intact. God never spoke to me in the teachings either. C’mon, can you sense how much my anger burns against God when i desperately seek for God’s word time and time again and with each teaching, and another and another till the very last, Hoping that God would speak to me, NOTHING MAN, nothing. God..I guess i shall stop using hate, gets annoying, even to me. God, i strongly dislike you, I cant believe my camp teachings you never even spoke to me. Maybe the only one thing i’ve learnt. Humility can only be learnt when amongst others. Well, i loved being alone, so, perhaps i’m proud. Guess that would be the only thing i’ve learnt from the teaching, but hey, i expected so much more from you. What happened to the seemingly cliche phrase, the more you expect, the more you receive. Am i short changed?

To be continued.

Day 2’s lunch was exceptional for me. What ricwan said in my comment box was extremely relevant. Yay for ricwan!=D(and the girls go wow)hahahahahaha.

okay, forget that.. I sat at the lunch table. The long long long table. CE usually sits as a whole unit. Well today we had visitors. A few from CD has popped by and join us for lunch. I had my seat. A few Central (Elites) didn’t. They grumbled agaisnt our visitors and i was extremely unsettled on my seat. Was there a name written on the table “this is central E’s table”, sides, wesley was sharing our table as well, should we not banish him from the table as well. I was extremely angry at such a reaction towards these people who grumbled agaisnt them. Our church has a tradition for people to visit other caregroups once in a while, should we also not grumble agaisnt these visitors. Absolutely not!

Another day at lunch table (again)..murmurings and commotion about who sits where again. It has come to my attention that people are trying to fit into this community, given their distinct character, they try to change, but however it seems a little too bothersome for US to accept them. Just because they decide to sit at your table, you HAVE TO MOVE THEM?. Man, when i heard their grumbling, i couldnt even eat..i dropped my spoon and fork and began to think.

God, what have we Done?

To be continued

Ric’s challenge for the group came in line onto what i wanted the group to grow in. However, I didnt have anything in me capable to carry out any challenge, or speak into anyone’s life, given my absolute failure in my spiritual health.

You guy’s should’ve seen what we were doing for our camp challenges as a group. Probably the most distinctive throughout the hall.Just go into the hall, you’ll see us doing crazy things. Well, with a Crazy leader as well. With strings attached to everyone’s waist, securely tied around everyone around us as we formed a 5×4 formation block. We ran together one round..well, it was simple, you know what, while others was jogging i could walk..i mean coz, my legs are long if i jog with them i’m out of pace..so walk one round, then Ric ask us do another, then run another round but it wasn’t fast enough, then ric stood up and ran with ahead of us and we had to chase. It was then i finally started pulling the whole group into MY pace, and not conforming to their pace. Then it all ended.

Yea, I got it, team work. Live together, die together..so on and so forth.

God, all I desired was that you would speak to me, so that I may be turned around and run for you. I know you have that power phrase that would turn my life from doomed for all eternity to doomed for Your eternity. Is that all too much to ask from an omnipotent God?..have i overestimated you?..wait, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

to be continued=)

If you’ve been in camp long enough, you’ll know your care leader, your unit leader, or shepherd will come look for you in the night to talk to you. Ric was no different. He was faithful in meeting me up. Probably to whack the nuts out of me coz of all the things i haven’t been doing. (duh).. even i knew what was coming my way..

He gave me a stick. Those you use to screw onto your dust pan and broom. Its reasonably hard plastic. So he asked me to hit him. So i did. Then he hit me back..well lightly though..So this carried on till he asked me to hit harder..and i did..and harder..Till there was a tiny dent on the stick..Then he asked me to hit even harder..So i gave my best and whacked it real hard..And guess what..He broke..no, i meant the stick..

So he gave me another stick. And with that same strength, hit him again. But given that I’m a nice guy, I was hesitant to. I didn’t want to hurt him. Then he was serious on me hitting him. And i gave the next hard blow.

and he grabbed the stick from my hands.

to be continued

And well, you all know what happens next. The brutal wrestle. Just by the few minutes i was already pinned down unable to move, obviously ric’s not gonna let me wuss out un-bruised. So we carried on wrestling. I didn’t fight to show how strong my puny muscles are, or to portray how hard i tried. I fought with all the hatred I had against. Every, single bit of strength, fueled by the anger burning against God. There were many times that ric held me immobile, but i chose not to give up. I hated God so much. I hated how he never spoke to me all these times. I hated the state I was in. I hated how I didn’t have the strength to push on for the next day.

With each struggle to break free, and each attempt to hold Ric down, I just kept going on and on and on. I just kept thinking as Ric was God. I just kept fighting him, I wanted him to change my entire state. I was so ready to receive, but never did I for so long. And of course soon after my puny muscles would seize to do my will even though my mind asked it to keep fighting and pushing on and on. Even though my mind could still fight, my muscles seemed to reluctant to move. I tried to budge my arms, they just wouldn’t listen. My legs had turned disobedient. Every muscle had turned numb to the electrical impulses sent from my brain..it was no way my muscles could lift my body up..And that is when Ric talked to me.

Perhaps, I was Deaf..

To be continued.

Side note;

Desmond bought me  the “L” ring. I’ve always been fascinated by “L”, and it has got the engraved name ‘aiden’..which has helped me finalised my baptism name after going around the few names which have same meanings..Like aidan and the one on my msn nick.

And finally, i’ve gotten my LONG awaited orange hairband=D. can you see my last month’s lunch through my teeth?..hahahahaha..oh wells, i really really loved it. Though some of you will be going, “you crazy boy”, yeah, cant you already tell from the title of this post?

I wasn’t all that impressed with what Ric said to me. I felt that it was insufficient to last me through. Hey, Christianity is far from just a week’s devotion, its a life time’s devotion. The morning “service” passed. It was left with the night’s..Though what Ric said to me during my personal challenge did inspire me, I myself knew it wouldn’t last..Not a glimpse of Hope will it pull me through the entire “down” period.

We all expect very very much from the last worship and teaching..Man, The moment Shirley went into testimony speaking part, i knew it was time to close my book. There wasn’t anything else she was going to preach for that teaching. The one on ambition, with the hero, Paul. And guess what, her entire testimony made little or no relevance to me. In my head was running the title over and over and over again. “i hate you God”. Through ALL 5 teachings and the 4 worships, you never spoke to me. God, you trying to play prank on your child here?..Have i not expected enough..Was my heart not desperate enough. Didn’t you see how much I fought Ric. How much my muscles ache. How many bruises i sustained. Didn’t you see that I was all serious about the life-changing power I believed in from the start of the camp?..I believe that my faith in that power has not wavered one bit.

God, what is this?

To be continued.

The previous camps i’ve been through starting from first frontier to oasis always had this common trend of crazy p&w after the last worship..if you all have been into camp for the previous camp you’d understand what i mean. Honestly, i’m no prayer person. Ask me pray for 5 mins is like climbing mountains..immeasurable was a prayer meet. C’mon, i wasn’t ministered to it. and I was so looking forward to Immeasurable hoping that it would be a bang for me. To change my life. The last glimpse of Hope..With each DL making their prayer points. One by one, time flew..Immeasurable was over. I was annoyed.

Have i wasted my time?..Was this really God’s plan for my highest expectant hearted camp?..I was confused. What happened about all those phrases that always meant God will lift you up when you’re down.

What Happened?

To be continued.

It was the last unit challenge Ric had for us that was transforming.

Majority should have at least heard or seen the brutality of the entire challenge. Well, if you didnt know whats it, it would be the death crawl from “facing the giants”. If you’re really curious on what the death crawl would be, go youtube and search “death crawl facing the giants”..You’ll be more than satisfied.

I never had a chance to carry anyone..Coz Ric decided to carry me. And of course, talk..Perhaps if you didn’t know, being the top person is also taxing on the muscles. Especially after you totally raped your muscles trying to screw your shepherd up. well of course i couldn’t if you haven’t already read. As many times as Ric fell, I fell along, as many times as he crawled, my muscles struggled to keep myself balance..And the most aggravating thing was that i couldn’t even remain on Ric’s back cause i was too tired. But I’m proud of one thing, even if you gave me another chance to re-do the death crawl with Ric, the outcome would have been exactly the same, because I tried my best.

Ric didnt let me do anything at the start, as one by one people took their positions and took off striding towards the end of the black track, I could only sit in awe of their, Passion. It was so strong, that my eyes could even sense it.

I also had a chance with climbing on top of Aaron, for a brief period, until Ric called me over. I’d say, I was the worst person to carry. Though i weigh a mere 55kg(yes i know i’m underweight), the others had “sheeps” who would encourage. And all I ever did, was remain silent in the deep thoughts of the entire camp. And how much i hated God.

I dont believe that any of you would be utterly impressed with the ending of this post, or how my entire camp challenge ended-If you seek spectacular moments. With all I am, I concluded that, If God never remained silent, If God never put me in this ordeal, If God gave me a spectacular moment to change, If God gave me what i wanted, I would just have been spoilt.

Honestly, I am not all that fired up to serve God at this point of time. Not at all. This would probably be the time I hate to serve God the most. But once I saw the passion of the people, once I saw how much everyone tried, once I felt how trying your best meant, I conclude that serving God, is a decision. And not a subjective decision. It has always been objective. “Regardless of circumstance”, I would describe it. And that is what it means to serve God.

It is a decision to Hate God,

alike, to Love God.

Okay…The learning journey ends here..this is for pure fun peace joy and laughter. Skip if you wish, sides, its 2.5k words already=X

Well you know crawling on the track with grinding your knees against the rough track and not forgetting the heavy weight on your back, abrasions, cuts and bruises are only a part of the journey to the finish.

Of course we had our brotherly time washing each other’s knees and well. Watching the moments where guys SQUEAL in pain when the alcohol swaps came into contact with the bare naked wounds, was rather humorous and at times thought-provoking. It was really the price to pay to “run for God”..And witnessing that even when holding down the limbs of the attended patient seemed to futile to hold down their sudden reactions towards pain was indeed rewarding. And moments where they shouted “NO, NO NO NO NO NO” to the medic seemed like they were the best rappers in town. And the expressions on their faces when the pain was “excruciating”..sorry, i couldn’t substitute any other words because it really seemed that way on their faces..And the funny look when everyone had the little white plaster plastered on to their knees as a whole unit, Or for those w/o plaster, a distinct yellow patch, cause of the iodine..

To sum it all, Even though i was so close to quitting it all, God kept silent, because it was part of the process in making me listen. Though it seems cliche how this has always been used, But you’ll never truly understand till you experience what it means that God kept silent. It has been the most difficult time for me. And I’m glad, it is a decision I have made personally; to RUN with You to the end.

Will you Run with me to the end?