More

The compelling desire of attaining more than one has has two sides to the coin. Of which, beneficial, as one desires to continually progress. And the other, destructive, greed beyond measure.

I believe life’s a gamble. I calculate risks very much. Not much of a risk taker. However, in any game, there would be moments of undefined prompting to challenge the norms. The satisfaction obtained is gratifying. However when one is at a loosing end, he would rather forgo such unexplained promptings and wait to strike at moments that calls for definite reward. This, would be why sometimes, people would rather not taste victory nor defeat.

Among the very games I’ve played, the human nature is expresses explicitly while in distraught or perhaps gleaming hope. Such expressions are easy to read, while those that conceal their identities, constant repetitive actions usually unfolds what lies beneath the fingers. Nullified resentment toward loss has been a significant change. As they all say, win big, lose big.. Fire and uncomposed actions have been a common. Where man is unable to control he’s instincts, it almost seems as if it were a taming garden..a humourous sight and one that seems awkwardly familiar among each one of us.

I realized it was impossible to keep within my terms of distance. Indeed I was glad at where I stood before, however it seems that the joy was too subtle and a decided to have a larger go at things. Since, it was uncontrollable. And I guess i’ve come to terms that it was my lack of substance rather than that will of adventure.

I must learn that sometimes having more is having very little for a long period of time rather than having much in instant gratification. Don’t kill the golden goose(:

Gone, Removed

With each of them cut away like strings, now detatched. A hard decision, but one that had to be taken fast and prompt, before I dwell in different periods of time; a danger unspeakable.

There’s no returning back. It ain’t happening and now, I don’t want it back. The best efforts of mending would only breach this inevitable fate. One that I would live with rather than to fight from it

This Year.

Pon King.

Fallen Out.

Fired from CLM.

Merged Units.

Atrocious Mid Years.

Started Spiderboys.

Global Conference during Prelims.

End of Spiderboys.

Improvement of Grades.

Started table.

Laughs.

Highest in a Day. 188

Lowest. -70

Personal Highest on table. 25

All time Highest on table. 50

All time lowest. -96

Longest double streak. 6

17 days, to O’s.

Haha.

To all those, who have visited this blog through these years must have realized the swing of focus towards emotional sensitivity.

It had always been my natural inclination, to be alone. I like it. However you call it, I think of it as independence. I wasn’t a born introvert. Through the youngest of memories, I remember being the bubbly noisy child talking to every being I could find. Why do I enjoy the silence so much now? Perhaps because of the repulsive noise at home from the incessant quarrels.

I still vividly remember my stand points on friendship. I made them, subconsciously, not to hurt others and more importantly, not to hurt myself. I don’t see myself as a very good friend, I don’t reveal much to anyone, lest would I be bothered for others to reveal to me.

Things have changed. I don’t think they’ve been entirely bad but it seems as though the negative outdo the positive. I have allowed people to be stakeholders of my life. While usually, I run my small company, alone or with little help. Good change, I’d say. I’ve grown to trust people more. Undoubtedly, more willing to talk to people. So happens that the major stakeholder pulled out. While the strong bonds a ripped apart, I’d safely say, much of you had remain in me and changed me. I wouldn’t be so sure if it was vice versa though.

And sometimes I wonder now, why do I do some things. Usually I would wonder why would I do somethings before acting upon them, but now it seems that I’ve been doing more things even before thinking. Reckless perhaps, but this drug keeps me alive. To be able to laugh, shit off.

I’ve finally grown to mingle around more people. It seems as though that it was normal to go through pain that drives you insane. And you wonder even if the pain is real or not. Yeah its funny, cause I laugh at it too. It’s normal for fathers to walk out that door. To have more than one woman they love. It’s a harsh reality, but it is a rising trend. And the constantly imposed, “courtship before marriage” and “marriage is a life time commitment”, seems to run on thin ice. Almost every 1 in 2 children in the UK are raised by broken families. And I wonder, how much more worse can things get. You can only derive the lowest point of your life, after going through it, and sometimes, it’s just a bottomless pit.

This realization happens only when you’re walking  away from the “standards of life”, the reality hits you as if you were an Alien from Mars. And I cant laugh enough at the drastic shift of my perspective of life. And this is merely the surface.

Silver Stream

Searching, for the familiar blue among the green foreground. Once spotted, gears revved a degree up. Time moves slower, actions swifter. No time to look back, no time to reconsider. Grabbing bronze wrapped in white within my palms. Moisture seeps in as I stuffed the bounty away. Walking out as if nothing had happened, I was perfect at it.

When breathing became harder, when the pain held down my limbs, I mustered enough of the remnants crawling to the metal bars. Gazing into the deep orange, holding liquid amber. Black initially, now silver viscous. With laughter, these images fades with their surroundings. Now, merely black and white frames that flow, wielding me immobile.

Taking deep breaths, and even deeper ones subsequently, it was fire inside me. Fire for revenge, fire of hatred but it was plain foolishness. Breathing out, silver tinted vision blurred the orange. And the weight of gravity, was stronger than my will, it was then, it fell. Shattering across the floor, it scald the surface.

yhope?

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
-Eminem

You only get one shot,
Do not miss your chance to blow

Evangelism

It is ridiculous to be a friend to convert someone.
However we should convert someone because we are their friends.

Is it true that

For every winner, there must always be a loser.
Every top must have a bottom.

For this to be the Twilight of your life

It was liquid fire in my veins. I could feel it pulsating through my core, spreading towards the ends. Writhing in pain, I cried out but who would hear? Who was here. Throwing up what seemed like blood into the bin beside me. I wanted to die this very moment. Then, I felt the weight of my body had been relieved. Had death always felt so good? I smiled even though I knew this would have been my last breath. I could finally laugh, it was finale.

It was the familiar pale yellow colour. The pink walls had shone very brightly even through the shining of yellow light. The long plastic curtains were drawn. Perhaps this was the only thing that would keep this room from feeling any more joyful. The way I loved it; quiet, alone and dark. Nobody would find me, nobody could know me and most importantly, no one could hurt me. Who cared if anyone just wanted to extend a helping hand, it seemed more of a route to hell.

And then, I saw you walk through the door frame.

It was then, I realised, I wasn’t dead. Death didn’t want to claim me. Even death didn’t want me. I was back to be at the mercy of pain. It was as if the walls of the lumen in my blood vessels had blister had salt water pumping through them. It rubbed agaisnt the walls, tearing the blisters apart. It flowed, towards the tips of my body. Just before the pain had engulfed all my sense, I screamed. The sound reverbed throughout the room. The membranes of my throat vibrated to violently that it began to hurt. Though it was a distant contrast to the burn in me, this redirected the anguish. It was there but it had been soothed, with a distant cousin of its original.

I wished.

I was only at my bed, where my pillows were soaked with a mixture of tears and sweat. No bin beside me, no pink walls, no yellow light. Merely imaginations of a better outcome. I had believed so much of it, that imaginations had been warped with reality. It was just me, myself and I, with an atrophy of the mind.

Woo..New moon trailer..this looks promising, although Alice doesn’t look like how she used to.

cant wait for it. And yes, I know twilight was a failure. Lets hope this would be better.

It’s you, Or is it Me.

Won a net profit of 12 bucks.
L1r4 12
l1r5 19
2 weeks study break in my pocket.
4 weeks of Fairfield left.
I cant wait to be out of this prison.

I cry, I cry

Yay, an improvement of grades from the previous mid year. Yet theres still much to work on. Still utterly disappointed at my Chem where I worked hard. Well, tomorrow We’ll see whether my grades could be deemed utterly pathetic or miracle improvement. Earned some cash to return my debts. Maybe now, I’ve gotten the formula right. Just, maybe.

I lose myself in all these fights;
I lose my sense of wrong and right.