Common Scrawls

Glancing through the ink stained pages, having mere split seconds to register maximum information to capture the gist of the whole and thus responding to it. Sweat filled my palms and the temperatures dipped as sophisticated diagrams was endowed. I wondered, if this, was really a math paper. It could’ve passed of as an art paper.

Placing back the cover aligning the paper back to it’s origin, my mind swirled with massive thoughts. The table cluttered with stationary and sheets of paper, the small desk seem inadequate for it’s purpose. However, the clock still ticked while random thoughts-both ridiculous and insightful filled. It began, finally.

Scawling the same old scribbles that spelled my name, it seems that my fingers have also turned disobedient to my call. Numb from the cold, sourced from both nervousness and the air condtioner.

Each question, attempted with such cautiousness, I didn’t want any ridiculous mistakes. Gobbling down liquid that suspressed the uneasiness. With each question, I laboured, with one common thought.

I prayed, for every page that I turned. The boring old ang mohs have finally realised repetiveness is annoying yet their realization was at our cost.

Yet this time, as always, I entered in to the same common hall, yet with different mindset from the past four years. Nope, it wasn’t, “this is it, it boils down to this”; I had always thought that way for every exam. But it was unexplained.

Each question, I attempted, hoping so much that I had the power to inform you of my findings. Each question I prayed not that I would be able to overcome it, but prayed that you would. This strange, hope, was fuel, and I’m uncertain about the details yet I’m certain that it is a fire, worth keeping.

Do your best(:

Falling for a Chance.

This is who I really am.

Power

The overly embraced “with great power came great responsibility” had not been embedded within the fibers.

Looking at the faces people who felt awkward wearing their school uniform again and putting it on later than usual. Behind those looks of unfamiliarity there were those that had words written on their faces, “all the best for English”. Even though they weren’t wearing the same yellow and blue, each of us had common ideals and goals.

The composition was hard to gauge, I’m aren’t certain that I would be able to evoke emotions from the writer by writing through the perspective of a weak boy who is unable to stand on his feet after his parents passed on.

The format for the situational writing was hilarious. While I tried to persuade people that the format as fluid and indefinite, people banged on the format as if it would have made much difference. It was the way of expressing thoughts which was crucial. Especially for this paper whereby the formatt was completely new. The actual format according to my teacher was that it shouldn’t have any address. Basically, similar to that of informal yet presenting in a mature tone while including certain terms which hinted informality.

And well, I told you sleep was important..to the extent that it had been reinforced by sermon and our favourite Cambridge examiners. I had little confidence in my summary writing and my q and a is often messed up.

But I guess nothing could have been done better.

You’re my heroine

Frustration had been cut down, though it had always made a come back, I’ve never understood why. Everyone had given up terminating its existence. Realizing that even pulling it off had only proven futile, decisions to leave it alone had been cast. It had grown, by what I do not know, recall or even acknowledge, until I couldn’t see the top and it started obstructing pathways.

Today, it had been reduced to withers and tistles. Under the mercy of the Master, it had shy away from its bearer. Yet to view at it’s patheticness had evoked sympathy that it did not deserve. Fluttering beauty around the previous green, now yellow, it was ironic yet vastly similar. In ways more than one, had been a reflection.

Crumbling under it’s own weight, breathing harder to breathe. It seems that it is taking its revenge on me. Yet this time, it felt nice, and happy. With its twin core, it had proven lethal but at what cause.

“Mammals have fur!”
Helps laugh shit off.

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip ‘em, don’t expect no help

Love, selfishly selfless?

Remembering Sunday.

Are there things you cant fake?

Today, I have come to the realization that it is possible to fake anything and everything. It feels weird knowing this.

Power Dose

Hadn’t I had it right? Every inch of my soul crumbles at your presence. Conscience of right and wrong merely fades away. Like daggers flung around, always, yet only I were the one seemingly disembered by them. I understood it, I regarded it as equals. They were friends rather than foes, it gripped me harder and any physical pull. I was about to get up.

These had had both good and evil in them. Like a sculpture carved into different facets of extreme. The beauty is undeniable yet the anguish, a polar opposite had been etched into the same. These were merely fantasies, pure hopeful imaginations yet I believe so strongly in them that my senses have been distorted. I have walked out of this alive, it is to keep myself alive that is essential.

A familiar gush flowed through. It felt like the first time we did it. Yet this time, it was different. Shaking in the weight of it’s effects, they deserved it. Yet who was I to deliver justice? With all fury, a lock down of their physiques had been achieved, I was ready to give it all I got. But wait, I lifted Orange, laughed and walked.

This had been such a familiar exposure, yet it had grown into a different form to cope with that current situation. This made me feel ready, to execute my plans. Of which, now I’m glad I had not followed such eager promptings. All that, charged up into my palms had been redirected inwards, morphing into a different form, making it, satisfactory.

More

The compelling desire of attaining more than one has has two sides to the coin. Of which, beneficial, as one desires to continually progress. And the other, destructive, greed beyond measure.

I believe life’s a gamble. I calculate risks very much. Not much of a risk taker. However, in any game, there would be moments of undefined prompting to challenge the norms. The satisfaction obtained is gratifying. However when one is at a loosing end, he would rather forgo such unexplained promptings and wait to strike at moments that calls for definite reward. This, would be why sometimes, people would rather not taste victory nor defeat.

Among the very games I’ve played, the human nature is expresses explicitly while in distraught or perhaps gleaming hope. Such expressions are easy to read, while those that conceal their identities, constant repetitive actions usually unfolds what lies beneath the fingers. Nullified resentment toward loss has been a significant change. As they all say, win big, lose big.. Fire and uncomposed actions have been a common. Where man is unable to control he’s instincts, it almost seems as if it were a taming garden..a humourous sight and one that seems awkwardly familiar among each one of us.

I realized it was impossible to keep within my terms of distance. Indeed I was glad at where I stood before, however it seems that the joy was too subtle and a decided to have a larger go at things. Since, it was uncontrollable. And I guess i’ve come to terms that it was my lack of substance rather than that will of adventure.

I must learn that sometimes having more is having very little for a long period of time rather than having much in instant gratification. Don’t kill the golden goose(:

Gone, Removed

With each of them cut away like strings, now detatched. A hard decision, but one that had to be taken fast and prompt, before I dwell in different periods of time; a danger unspeakable.

There’s no returning back. It ain’t happening and now, I don’t want it back. The best efforts of mending would only breach this inevitable fate. One that I would live with rather than to fight from it

This Year.

Pon King.

Fallen Out.

Fired from CLM.

Merged Units.

Atrocious Mid Years.

Started Spiderboys.

Global Conference during Prelims.

End of Spiderboys.

Improvement of Grades.

Started table.

Laughs.

Highest in a Day. 188

Lowest. -70

Personal Highest on table. 25

All time Highest on table. 50

All time lowest. -96

Longest double streak. 6

17 days, to O’s.

Haha.

To all those, who have visited this blog through these years must have realized the swing of focus towards emotional sensitivity.

It had always been my natural inclination, to be alone. I like it. However you call it, I think of it as independence. I wasn’t a born introvert. Through the youngest of memories, I remember being the bubbly noisy child talking to every being I could find. Why do I enjoy the silence so much now? Perhaps because of the repulsive noise at home from the incessant quarrels.

I still vividly remember my stand points on friendship. I made them, subconsciously, not to hurt others and more importantly, not to hurt myself. I don’t see myself as a very good friend, I don’t reveal much to anyone, lest would I be bothered for others to reveal to me.

Things have changed. I don’t think they’ve been entirely bad but it seems as though the negative outdo the positive. I have allowed people to be stakeholders of my life. While usually, I run my small company, alone or with little help. Good change, I’d say. I’ve grown to trust people more. Undoubtedly, more willing to talk to people. So happens that the major stakeholder pulled out. While the strong bonds a ripped apart, I’d safely say, much of you had remain in me and changed me. I wouldn’t be so sure if it was vice versa though.

And sometimes I wonder now, why do I do some things. Usually I would wonder why would I do somethings before acting upon them, but now it seems that I’ve been doing more things even before thinking. Reckless perhaps, but this drug keeps me alive. To be able to laugh, shit off.

I’ve finally grown to mingle around more people. It seems as though that it was normal to go through pain that drives you insane. And you wonder even if the pain is real or not. Yeah its funny, cause I laugh at it too. It’s normal for fathers to walk out that door. To have more than one woman they love. It’s a harsh reality, but it is a rising trend. And the constantly imposed, “courtship before marriage” and “marriage is a life time commitment”, seems to run on thin ice. Almost every 1 in 2 children in the UK are raised by broken families. And I wonder, how much more worse can things get. You can only derive the lowest point of your life, after going through it, and sometimes, it’s just a bottomless pit.

This realization happens only when you’re walking  away from the “standards of life”, the reality hits you as if you were an Alien from Mars. And I cant laugh enough at the drastic shift of my perspective of life. And this is merely the surface.