it wasn’t till yesterday that u kept wishing u were 18 when u were 16, u kept wishing u were 21 when u were 18, and when u were 30, u wished u were 18 again.
Sometimes i think to myself, why don’t i just live for myself, Its so much less complicated. I can understand myself, and i dont really have to bother about anything else but myself. Life is so simple, all i need, is myself, all i need is to sustain each breath. Pretty simple isn’t it.
Yes to a certain extent, i’m no social person. I can talk less than 100 words in a day. And sometimes, it multiplies to a 1000. but i never stop thinking.
I wonder to myself, why to i constantly want to lead more people.
Its like, hey, when i was a baby, i was fed everything and anything i needed, and i wanted to walk. It wasnt before long that i decided to run. And now aspirations to drive. I used to dream of being a commercial pilot which was then abruptly destroyed when zach told me, singapore has limited space for planes. But its okay, its just a random thought.
It seems as though something drive me more and more, and i get less aware of why i am doing it. Its so simple just to quit. Possibly, u can call this the midspirituallife crisis. I’m feeling that things aren’t worth enough of the effort i’m putting in.
And i’ve began to start dreaming less. I keep pondering on the past. I keep thinking of EVERYTHING i have yet to accomplish, but never everything i will accomplish. huge difference here. One feels like a dread, the other, is chasing dreams.
I’ve never known things could turn out so much of a challenge than expected. I really thought this mighty God can really pull me through everything, and i’m not saying he cant, He’s probably pulled me through a dozen of forthcomings each day of my life, but what about me.
Somehow it feels awfully disgusting when i have no strength, everything i’ve done is not me. I have no acclaims. I’ve done nothing. God’s done everything. Note, i’m not saying that God has possessed me, it just a selfish desire for acclaims.
Its devastating to keep thinking of whats next and whats next in my to do list for others to find out that i have no time for myself. I cant even sit down to just look at the stars. Not to say, there arent any angle in Singapore that u can see them from. Except the quarry in bukit timah hill and the other smaller islands around singapore. I cant live for myself. I cant even think about myself. there just isnt enough time.
And this is what i go through every single of my day. The ravishing thoughts of a thinker, and a futuristic person. Yet i have to keep track of all these thoughts, clump them together, reason them out with biblical principals and then get on. This doesnt take 3 seconds, i takes a minimum 5 minutes. To get out of a recent downfall. And this is what you would get when you decide to change the world, conflicts. Regardless internal or external, conflicts are major proportion of your life.
